Editor's note: This is part three of the Ending the Stigma series on mental health

NAMPA, Idaho – A basketball or volleyball player blows out their knee. A baseball player's elbow ligament pops. A soccer player's Achilles' tendon gives out.

There are plenty of season-ending injuries out there.

Generally, when one happens, the student-athlete, coaches and fans immediately start thinking about how long the physical rehabilitation will take, how hard it will be and when they may get back to their respective playing surfaces.

Often, though, the mental toll of injuries is overlooked.

Gone is the sense of being involved in a team, gone are the road trips, gone is practice and playing time.

Instead, it is a long, lonely road to recovery.

"During practice, it felt like I was watching someone else's team play," said Siale Sandoval, a volleyball player who tore her ACL as a freshman. "I felt like a burden. Here I was as a freshman, injured and constantly complaining about pain while being a ball girl and trying to cheer them on. That was all I could contribute."

That sense of not being able to contribute is felt by many injured athletes, including Sandoval, women's basketball player Cami Knishka and baseball player Blake McFadden.

These are their stories.
 

Losing her identity

Siale Sandoval's whole life was volleyball.

So when she entered the first match of her collegiate career, jumped to hit a ball on her first play, landed and felt her knee disintegrate she felt like a part of her had died.

She could no longer dress, shower or go to the cafeteria on her own, let alone play volleyball.

"It was an identity crisis for me," she said. "Volleyball is everything I do. It is my social life. It's the only reason I even knew what NNU was. Having that taken away from me and having to focus on other parts of life – I had no idea what was going on."



Sandoval's teammates worked hard to support her, but because of physical therapy during many practices, she struggled to feel part of the team.

She spent a month at home pre- and post-surgery, further removing her from her teammates and her school friends. Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit, cutting short her freshman year by three months.

"Rehab was probably the most pain I've ever been in in my life," she said. "It was the most physically, mentally and socially depleted I've ever been."

As Sandoval got healthy and was able to return to hiking, having fun and playing volleyball, she says she is appreciating the little things even more. Despite her fall season being postponed until at least the spring.

"I feel so blessed," she said. "I learned a lot of different ways that I'm not just a volleyball player. My body will go through injuries and fluctuations, but that doesn't define me. What defines me is how I can push myself outside of that."

Living in baseball purgatory

On a chilly spring day in 2019 in Portland, Blake McFadden threw his signature changeup.

It felt like he hyper-extended his elbow, but he pitched through it. He took a few days off and started throwing and everything felt fine.

After three innings in his next start, though, he felt something pop.

He went from throwing in the mid-80s to barely touching 70.

"I was hoping it was Tommy John (elbow injury) so I could get surgery and then get back," he said. "With a partially strained UCL, though, it was a wait and see kind of deal.

"It is kind of like baseball purgatory. You throw and eventually tear it or just throw and it heals."


While he was in physical limbo, the mental strain of suddenly not being able to pitch or travel with the team or do much of anything hit home.

"It surprised me at first," McFadden said. "I didn't know what to expect. I'd never had arm problems. Going from pitching every day to not being able to touch a ball or throw it five feet. It challenges you mentally. I basically became a cheerleader that year."

The NNU coaching staff kept him involved during games by helping chart pitches and mentor younger players. He returned ready to go as a redshirt junior in 2020 only to have his season canceled by the COVID-19 pandemic.

Despite all the adjustments, he is grateful for how he handled the entire situation.

"It challenges you mentally to be able to overcome," he said. "I think it was eye-opening for me, because it brought a new sense of pride in myself knowing I could succeed in two roles. I don't take for granted being able to throw every day anymore."
 

The one time she didn't want an A

During the fall 2019 semester, Cami Knishka received an A for her paper about the prevalence of ACL injuries in females for her class Physiology of Exercise.

A few months later, she, unfortunately, got to learn just how easy it was personally.

Knishka tore the ACL and meniscus in her left knee during a game against Western Washington. It was doubly painful because she had missed her freshman season with an injury as well.

"It was pretty hard, especially because I knew exactly what it was the second I went down," she said. "In practices, I couldn't do the drills and there were times I wished I was out there. It sucks watching, but instead of being down I tried to flip it to what I can do now to get better."



She missed her freshman season with a torn labrum, an injury she suffered as a high school senior. So, she was prepared to sit out, which made it easier.

Injuring her knee in the middle of a season she was expecting to contribute in was rough.

"I had the mindset coming in as a freshman that I was going to learn from the seniors," she said. "Watching still wasn't easy. When they traveled it was hard to be one of the only ones here."

Knishka has been a part of two of the best teams in program history. The Nighthawks have been to back-to-back NCAA Division II national tournaments and while she hasn't stepped on the floor in a tournament game, she still feels a part of the team.

"Our team culture really helps to make everyone feel included, no matter what our role is," she said. "It is easy to not think about what is going on in your own life because you are enjoying the moment. No matter what your role is, you are just as important as the scorer so having that culture is really important, especially with injuries."
 

Finding support

NNU clinical counselor Julie Barrass has worked with plenty of student-athletes in her 18 months working on campus.

She can often be seen at practices and games, chatting and interacting with athletes whenever she can.

When it comes to physical injuries, athletic trainer Jaime May will often text Barrass to give her a heads up that someone is struggling a bit.

"If I know that team may be in the gym that day, I may walk by and say hi," Barrass said. "I've sat on the side of practice with plenty of people and just chatted."

Barrass says that a lot of the mental toll of injuries goes back to how well athletes are prepared that an injury may happen.

"If you are a young, 18-23-year-old athlete you think you are invincible," she said. "If you tear your ACL for example and you've never let yourself think that thought, you are going to be blindsided."